I need that one-star review...

Doesn't that sound strange?

You're probably thinking I've gone insane (which translates well from my last entry, hah!) but I haven't.  After a month at my new job I've figured out something that I began to suspect awhile ago.

My writing thrives on negativity.

The creative juices flowed best when stuck in a situation I hated.  My first job at Chase was going nowhere, I saw no exit, and the monotony of the same old thing every single day had me ready to slam my face in the safebox vault door.

So I wrote.  And man, did I fire off those pages like lightning.  The premise, the plot, the scenes...everything came together with such clear vision that the dreaded writer's block never came close to infecting me.  I went to my breaks and lunches frothing with what I would type next.  I zoned out at my station, laying plans for upcoming scenes, setting up jokes, connecting the dots, and working like clockwork to get the first manuscript down.

Then the first reviews of the first draft came in.

It dragged.  Too many adverbs.  Too much exposition.  Grammatical errors.  Way short on the show, overdosed on the tell.  I was crushed...and motivated.

I dove back into the manuscript, obsessed like never before.  I had to fix it.  I love being tasked to fix broken things, and this was even better.  I had to fix my own creation.  So for another six months I hacked, slashed, and burned the manuscript until it resembled 99% of what it looks like today (I still make corrections as they find them.  I know, I know, I should get an editor.  If anybody wants to foot that bill for me, by all means...).

Then I got promoted at work.  Settled in with a great staff and on top of that, the first reviews of the finished book came in.

And...the opposite happened.  Sure, some fixing here and there needed (and still needs) to be done, but for the most part, I scored a small win.  Those who took their time to offer their opinion of the book have given mostly positive comments.  Even the negatives weren't really negative.  So I started book two and found my energy sadly lacking.  I struggled so much with the first eight chapters that I'm doing a complete revamp of everything between one and nine.  What makes chapter nine satisfactory to me?  I wrote it in misery.

I don't hate my new job, but it's not the same.  The people are good, but it's not the same filial atmosphere.  Everybody does their own thing and checks out.  I haven't sensed a brand loyalty.  The pride isn't there.  I'm staying strong, but at the cost of great personal stress.

Now my writing has come back as fierce as ever.  Chapters nine and ten FLEW out of my mind.  Eleven is nearing completion.  I've done more in the past three weeks than the past three months.  I needed to be miserable.

A one-star review will accomplish that.

I'm not a stickler for punishment.  In fact, a one star review will help beyond upsetting me, it would tell me what needs to be fixed!  I hate not knowing what people think of my story.  And don't think I wouldn't appreciate some more rave reviews, I'd be equally grateful for those, but man, if there's anything that drives me to start churning out the words, it's misery.

So to those people who felt ripped off for downloading my ebook, who are upset that they took time out of their lives to read my worthless waste of e-space, to those people who can't stand the sight of my amateurish prose; lay it on me!  I can take it!  Tell me how much you hated my plot holes or weak premise or lack of characterization.  Bemoan the forced  humor and point out every typo or grammatical error you can find!

Gimme those one-stars.  I can take it.

Focker, OUT!

Why nobody in my office has bought the book.

I've been fielding some questions lately from friends and family about how the book is going.  While I won't lie and say things are going well, I also won't like and say that I'm not disappointed.  As an amateur author, of course the dreams of grandeur where everybody loves my book and they're telling their cousins and uncles to buy it in droves off of Amazon.  Then again, I also had a firm grasp in reality.  I knew those dreams were just that: dreams.  Getting 'Broken Sigil' out into the world wouldn't just be a marathon, it would be a slog.  A long, arduous, testing, backbreaking, nerve-racking, hair-pulling slog.

Honest work would be needed (and is still needed) to get this done.  I've dedicated a measley budget on 'exposure' expenses, and am trying to stay active in social media.  I've even picked up Twitter, which I swore long ago to never even sniff.

I could have taken an easy route to sales by telling everybody in my office (about twelve people) to buy a copy of the book, but I didn't.  I don't want people to buy the book just because I wrote it.  I want them to buy it because they want to read it.  I want to be very clear about something here: I'm not out to take everybody's money.  I'm out to entertain people.  I actually take a 70% loss on every book I sell because of my marketing costs.  I'm killing myself to tell a story, but that's what I want to do.  If given the choice between somebody willing to buy the book because they know me or somebody willing to tell five friends about the book because they know me, I'll take the person who'll tell five friends.

I don't care about the money, I care about the minds.  I want to see that people have read and enjoyed the book.  I want to see people starting forum posts about Jalen, Al, and Antoine.   I want to see people arguing about the characters' motivations and relationships.

I just want to see people entertained.

Worm in my stomach

I'm not sure what it is about receiving reviews that destroys my innards, but whenever I get that e-mail notification saying I've got a new review, my stomach just about explodes.  I guess it could be because I'm still just an amateur writer (I don't think I'll ever consider myself a true author until I see others discussing my books on their own), or I guess it could be because a part of me still doesn't have any confidence in my ability to construct a narrative (I still hate chapters 1-3).  Whatever the case, those few mouse clicks before seeing my score are absolute torture.  I almost feel like vomiting.  A few days ago, I was having a particularly bad day at work and seeing the notification didn't help anything.  I might actually have to start taking some Alka-seltzer with me or something.

Well, it ended up being a 5-star review, prompting me into a Michael Jordan-esque leaping punch.  The euphoria only lasts so long though.  It's not that I crave more 5's.  What I really crave is more opinions in general.  What did people not like?  What did they love?  I just want to know what people think, whether it's bad or good.

And last night I found out that my Adwords campaign is actually paying off.  Apparently, it's the primary driver for all my Smashwords traffic.  I would divert to the Amazon page (the kindle conversion is overwhelmingly superior) but until I can get some better reviews, I'll stick with the Smashwords link.  Two fivers there as opposed to the 3-star at Amazon.  I'm still hoping and praying though.  Here's to more people liking the book!